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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29847864">I Don't Want To See Myself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloud24/pseuds/Cloud24'>Cloud24</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sonic the Hedgehog (Video Games), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blood, Fear of Relationships, M/M, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Shadow tries to reach Sonic in not the healthiest ways possible, Sonic is afraid, Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:07:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29847864</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloud24/pseuds/Cloud24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sonic decided to distance himself from Shadow, he was surprised about him not willing to let go.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shadow the Hedgehog &amp; Sonic the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog/Sonic the Hedgehog</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>64</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Don't Want To See Myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sonic didn’t have the time to think or even breath as a punch, that has nearly teared his cheek from his jaw, landed on him. “what are you doing?” he tried to breath while conveying his anger through his swollen face, but Shadow wasn’t having any of it as he raised his leg. Strong, muscular, Sonic noticed, his brain worked quickly, thinking which way this kick will land so he can dodge.<br/>
His body barely has the strength to carry him away from Shadow, whose eyes never left Sonic this whole time, Sonic has fallen to the grassy, ticklish ground, his elbows supporting him when the fire in Shadow’s eyes, as if it was alive, passed through Sonic’s eyes to his brain, his heart, telling him how much rage Shadow was promising him to taste, and as he began to feel his heart beating powerfully against his chest, legs trembling and throat tightening, Sonic knew, that he was, for the first time in his life, afraid of Shadow.</p><p>The wind was dancing around them, its sound hitting Sonic’s eardrums powerfully, blocking any other thing that hits them and forcing him to be aware that there was no one other than him and Shadow here, they were alone, in a far place their legs brought them to, filled with rocks and sand and green and Shadow. This usually would’ve comforted Sonic, but not now, when he was forced to face what his actions brought to both of them.</p><p>The morning sun was high above, but it felt like the black of darkness all around.</p><p>The metal of Shadow’s air shoes pressed his chest to the ground, sending shivers of cold, fear and pain across his body.</p><p>The shaking of Shadow’s eyes didn’t comfort him in any way, the black hedgehog was seeing him under the sky, pinning the fastest thing alive with his leg, breathing heavily while looking at Sonic’s bruised, blood covered face, seeing the bleeding he caused made him feel more anger, at himself and at Sonic.</p><p>“why are you doing this?”.</p><p>Sonic didn’t miss the hurt in Shadow’s voice. he coughed, covering his mouth with his hand, aware of the blood staining more of the white of his gloves, the flare of pain traveling through his split lower lip, the germs on the gloves transmitting to them. He felt the wetness at his sides and knew his blood was covering the ground, hugging each sprout, seeping beneath him.<br/>
And oh, Sonic can’t distract himself with his injuries anymore once Shadow grabbed his head with both hands, his thumbs locking, almost caressing, his blue ears as soon as they stood in alarm.</p><p>“look at me, Sonic”.</p><p>Sonic, Sonic with every brave cell he has couldn’t do that, Sonic wasn’t his usual self, it scared the blue hero like nothing did before, he inhaled sharply, something like panic chocking him, the pressure of Shadow’s hands messing with his head, the warm of his breath covered Sonic’s muzzle reaching his eyes.</p><p>“look at me” this time it’s soft, sad, almost a whisper that Sonic wouldn’t be able to hear if the black hedgehog didn’t just trap Sonic with his everything! So, with what was left of power within him, Sonic kicked the striped from beneath, and if it wasn’t for Shadow’s emotions taking the best of him, he wouldn’t have slumped weakly, stupidly away from him like that.</p><p>Sonic stumbled a few steps before dashing away. And if rage was fire, then nothing but ashes would this place be as Shadow immediately went after the hero.</p><p>Both were tired, Shadow has been running after Sonic since last night, and Sonic wasn’t in any way or shape prepared for that, emotionally more than physically. He didn’t think that things would escalate to this point, and he should have, Tails has always told him how he just does things without thinking about the consequences, and it’s because Sonic believed that no matter what happens, he is able to handle the situation.</p><p>Sonic jumped from a boulder, his legs working as soon as it hit the ground, and from the sound of branches breaking and dry leaves squashing behind him, he knew Shadow was still after his back.</p><p>Obviously, he couldn’t handle every situation.</p><p>The blue hedgehog has noticed his friend’s lingering gazes, brief touches, and affectionate words. It made him so happy that after years of effort, Shadow was finally opening to him, finally considering him a friend and someone who he can turn to, finally could talk to him without fearing for his life.</p><p>But… but things didn’t stop at that, things developed, and Shadow appears before Sonic every week, intentionally or not Sonic doesn’t know, but the alone moments that he spent with him increased, and the nights that Sonic has found his composed, cheery, and strong self shatter before the black one began to appear in his memories, Shadow’s eyes looking at him at these times and rough, strong hands running through his quills are what define Shadow to Sonic now.</p><p>Sonic fell over the rocks filled road and didn’t waste any time to throw a rock at his pursuer before getting up and running again, the closest city to them in his mind, there he can finally shake that hedgehog off.</p><p>It’s like what happened with Amy. One day they suddenly became close, and Sonic panicked and then he couldn’t see the girl as he saw her in the past, couldn’t stop himself from running away from her.<br/>
The hero clinched his teeth, self-hatred was eating him, making his breath hotter and more painful than it is, the beautiful view and the flowers’ smell around them looked evil to him.</p><p>Sonic glanced at Shadow, who never looked at something other than him since last night… no, Sonic was suddenly aware, Shadow’s eyes were always on him only, since the beginning, and it scared everything in Sonic.</p><p>“listen” Sonic felt like throwing up his beating heart when he heard Shadow’s voice.</p><p>“this will go forever, tell me why you are suddenly avoiding me before I hurt you more than I’ve already done”.</p><p>Here was the difference between the pink and black hedgehogs in Sonic’s life. The first will leave him alone once Sonic ran away from her, the later will not, did not. And the knowledge of that puts a great wight in Sonic’s legs, he was suddenly very tired, who was he kidding? Sonic is the one that started all of this in the first place, he should’ve been aware of this long ago, Amy has a lot of people around her and met a lot other than him before, while Shadow didn’t, Shadow was so closed and alone, only having Maria in the past, who was no coward like the hero, so he won’t accept the idea of losing Sonic and finding someone else that easily…</p><p>Not after how sonic looked at all his insides and took it with him including his heart. So how can he forgive him and treat this matter as something trivial?</p><p>Sonic was stuck, and he was panicking.</p><p>He didn’t have time to blink when his body was thrown over the soil, Shadow holding the hero’s hand over his back tightly, the black hedgehog’s knee pressing the blood soaked back even when he was aware that the wound there is tearing more with his actions.</p><p>Sonic hissed and coughed when dust filled his airways, eyes watering, is it from the dust or the pain from his back? or is it the pain there on his heart from his disgust of himself and his cowardness? how couldn’t he face his relationships, how he dreads the moment when he must open himself to someone…</p><p>Shadow’s free hand gripped his head from behind, ignoring the pain of the blue’s sharp quills, gloved fingers burry themselves between them tightly, and Shadow saw a flash of memory, a cold dark night in his living room, the electric heater was lighting their surrounding in orange, Sonic was sleeping beside him on his big couch, Shadow’s eyes looking at him in wonder, his bare hands touching the hero’s head, sliding over his closed eyes to his shoulder and then over his steadily beating heart. Sonic was his at that night, he was there with him and it was their own world.</p><p>Sonic yelped in pain as Shadow’s weight became like a stone’s over him, what did change for them to reach this moment when everything was moving smoothly? Why did Sonic pull Shadow from the deep to leave him hanging at his bright, colour filled world alone in the end? Was Sonic playing with his emotions? Was he finding this funny?</p><p>Shadow’s claws were sharp, pointing from his gloves, against Sonic’s pinned hand. Sonic who was facing the ground didn’t see that, didn’t want to see that, “is it a game for you? Touching people where it is deep and then running away?” leaving them behind, alone in your world thinking how they can handle things without you when you taught them how to depend.</p><p>Sonic’s attempts at moving from under the hedgehog to get away weren’t helping, he wasn’t listening to him. Shadow pressed his head to the ground. “Sonic! For the love of Chaos tell me what is wrong with you?”</p><p>“what’s wrong with YOU!” Sonic yelled, lifting his eyes up even if he can’t see him, mouth full of dirt but he didn’t give it any mind, coughing a couple of times, saliva and blood and dirt mixing and his mind was working fast, his heart was jumping and his legs were tense, curled so his shoes can touch Shadow’s back. “get off me!”.</p><p>He was still struggling even if there was no chance of escaping now, both were tired, but Shadow was strong, his determination was fuelling him to keep his grip steady around the hedgehog. The black one bent his back, closing the distance between his mouth and the side of Sonic’s head, eyes pinned on the hero who immediately turned his head to the other side once he saw the chance of eye contact, Shadow heard the tremble in his yelp but didn’t mention it, he has something to drill on that hedgehog head “listen carefully, Sonic”.</p><p>“you may be able to run now, but I’ll still follow you from behind, no matter where or for how long, as long as I’m still alive and my body’s still carrying me”.</p><p>Black gloved, pointy clawed hand covered Sonic’s eyes, his forearm crossing the hero’s turned away head, pressing his ear under. “so, give me a good reason, Sonic. Something that makes me think of not killing you”.</p><p>And oh Chaos, Sonic fucking knew what the exact difference between Amy and Shadow is. Shadow is fully capable of killing him once he does the hedgehog wrong, Amy isn’t.</p><p>Shadow’s claws were hurting his lower eyelids, and Sonic can’t try moving or escaping anymore.</p><p>“I don’t want to see you anymore” Sonic repeated what he has told the striped one last night, his voice was small, tears mingling with the back of the glove.</p><p>“why” Shadow’s tone was soft again, his fingers around Sonic’s wrist were loosened, his knee above the blue’s wound was moved to a safer spot on his back, below his quills.</p><p>Anger was filling Sonic’s voice this time, forced to voice his fears, He knew that Shadow won’t leave him unless he tells him the truth. So, with his vision black and body weighted on, all the fug surrounding his heart was disappearing, again in front of that black hedgehog. “I’m getting too comfortable around you”.</p><p>“… what?”</p><p>Shadow was ready to face whatever dumbness Sonic was about to spill from his mouth, like, “Shadow was disgusting him”, or that “Shadow was too dangerous for him”, or that “he got bored of Shadow”, Shadow was ready to face it all with a fist because who was Sonic to tell him that when he was the only one who faced Shadow and all what came with him, Sonic must meet the consequences of getting Shadow attached to him, of making Shadow move on from his Maria filled mind, of pushing Shadow to his world which was full of everything Shadow isn’t used to.</p><p>Of making Shadow see Sonic as a steady ground that he can walk on with confidence, contentment, and love.</p><p>But what was that? what was he saying?</p><p>Sonic was clenching the soil with his free hand; the words were heavy on his mouth but being unable to see let them form easily on his tongue. “I see you everywhere Shadow”.</p><p>“huh?”.</p><p>“you are getting too close and I can’t stop myself”.</p><p>“what are you saying?”.</p><p>“one minute I am with everyone laughing, then the next I am suddenly alone with you, you are looking at me and I can’t stop my heart, it’s like I am pushed toward you and is being tied to you alone and this scares me”.</p><p>Shadow removed his hand from Sonic’s wrist, keeping the other over his eyes and himself above him, “you are scared of me being special” confusion was filling Shadow’s voice, he wasn’t sure if his conclusion was correct, and it seems it was as Sonic’s shoulder blades closed the distance between each other, Shadow immediately put his free hand over them, wanting them to relax but not knowing how with the quills on his way.</p><p>Sonic didn’t have any problem making Shadow think of him as special, but when it came to him, he was scared. He wasn’t playing any games hurting people’s feelings, this was hurting Sonic himself.</p><p>Shadow was the one who tried closing the distance between them more than what it was after Sonic’s attempts of friendship, he was the one hurting Sonic.</p><p>“is it, is it something in me?” was Shadow not someone Sonic wanted to keep close? Was it Rose? Was he afraid because he already has someone special?</p><p>Sonic’s frantic voice immediately reached his guilt eaten head, “what? No! it’s something in me! I am the one who has something wrong with them!”</p><p>“whenever I am with you, you have this strange effect on me, my mouth talks on its own, and I end up revealing things that I didn’t plan to reveal. And I do embarrassing things that I didn’t want to do in front of you”</p><p>“you didn-“, “yes I did!” Sonic interrupted him angrily, “like right now”. Shadow instantly got up from above him, keeping his eyes on the hedgehog who sat on the ground weakly, giving him his back and refusing to face him.</p><p>“whenever I am with you, Shadow, I am not myself, this disgusts me”.</p><p>Shadow didn’t voice his opinion this time and let the hero talk.</p><p>“I hate myself; this is a fact that only I should know, but at that night, I told you everything” hugging his knees, giving up the idea of running away, knowing how much he’ll hate himself more once he returns home, he continued “I am the one who should listen to people, comfort them and smile for them, not the other way around”.</p><p>“I am getting too comfortable around you, Shadow” Sonic repeated himself, weakly, the wind was blowing again, carrying the dry leaves around them, and Sonic was aware, like he always was, of himself being alone with Shadow, not Tails and Knuckles or people who’ll laugh over his trivial worries and comfort him then forget about it later, but Shadow who will listen and consider his words forever in his mind.</p><p>“I am sorry”, when Shadow’s sad apology reached Sonic’s ears, it didn’t make him feel any better, it just made him hate himself more, because he was the one who decided to get close at first, he always was that one with everyone, and was always the first to run away once things got their clutches on his heart.</p><p>Sonic may be the hero, the one who confront every problem with certainty and shining eyes, a smile that promises of a future and “the everything is OK”, but when things become about him, he just didn’t know what to do.</p><p>He didn’t want to see himself, didn’t want to be aware of his own problems and worries, and Sonic was making Shadow do that. Sonic saw the vulnerability in Shadow and… “I am the one who is sorry”.</p><p>“you let me see your heart, your true self, and I was using this fact as an excuse to let you see mine”.</p><p>“you didn’t force me to see anything, Sonic, I was the o..-“</p><p>“no, you don’t understand!”, Sonic cut Shadow’s word sharply, knowing that if the black hedgehog continued with what he was saying, Sonic will do it again and let himself free.</p><p>“I should be the one comforting people!”, he stressed, wanting his words to reach Shadow, even if Sonic wasn’t looking at him but at the empty road ahead. “I am Sonic The Hedgehog, I am smiling and saving the world, but if I give myself the chance of… being seen, by me and by anyone around me, then I won’t be myself anymore, I would fall”</p><p>Sonic’s dirty gloved hand was touching the sand absentmindedly, the cold was making itself known through his bones, and he tried to focus on that uncomfortable feeling of cold and pain and bleeding to forget the fact that he is opening himself to Shadow yet again.</p><p>“I don’t want to see myself”.</p><p>Sonic was playing with his gloves as he talked, deep inside he wanted to stop, but like every time he talked with Shadow, he couldn’t. “I am a cocky rat who does whatever he wants, because I’m handsome and fast, and I know how to talk, this much is enough, nothing other than these things should I be known about”.</p><p>Sonic was touching his shoes now, eyeing the fading red colour, “not how I get so worried and too attached to Tails sometimes”.</p><p>“not how I am jealous of Knuckles”.</p><p>“not how I’m still thinking about Infinite even these days”.</p><p>Sonic took a deep breath, and finally turned his whole body to Shadow, ignoring the eyes that followed his every move, “and of course, not this”. He lifted his eyes cautiously, meeting Shadow’s red ones, whose fire has died down, silent and suffocated. “do you understand now?”</p><p>“…and I ruined it when I insisted on knowing the reason behind avoiding me?” Shadow’s voice wasn’t stable when he asked, he didn’t look like crying and didn’t look angry either, Sonic wasn’t sure about his thoughts on this and didn’t want to know them, it’s already enough that he will have a long night of self-hatred after this for showing a deep, dark side of him he shouldn’t show.</p><p>Sonic… unsure of how to respond, kept silent, Shadow did ruin it, he should’ve been like everyone else and gave up on him, not chasing after him and then beating the shit out of his body refusing to let go. But Sonic was also at fault here for not being strong enough to keep his usual self any longer, unable to resist Shadow’s effect on him.</p><p>Shadow looked at the broken hero in front of him, the sun was over their heads, Shadow has spent half of the previous night and all the morning chasing after Sonic and beating him. Because what else could he do other than that to make sure that that night wasn’t their last seeing each other, Shadow was angry at Sonic because if the hero was gone from his life, so will be Shadow’s soul, Sonic made sure to keep it between his hands when he has trying to befriend him, for him to suddenly leave will be so shattering for Shadow because what purpose does he have other than the desire to protect, touch, and hug Sonic?</p><p>Shadow doesn’t work without a drive, that’s what kept him alive even when Maria has died, his love for her drove him even after her death, for revenge, and then for protecting the world, but Sonic took that and became his world instead. Shadow couldn’t accept the fact that Sonic was running away like a little thief after doing that.</p><p>“I am so sorry, Sonic”.</p><p>Sonic’s ear lowered, his head went down, he didn’t want to hear Shadow’s apology because both of them knew that Sonic has to apology again, too. “I shou-“.</p><p>Strong, black arms pulled Sonic into Shadow’s white fur, “what are you doing?”, the striped hedgehog surrounded his hands around Sonic’s head, pinning him where he was. Shadow really didn’t know how to hug.</p><p>“because, because I was using you, too”. Shadow’s breath was against Sonic’s ears, the black hedgehog buried his head above him, “what do you mean?” Sonic’s voice was muffled, some of the white fur got inside his mouth, but Shadow didn’t notice, or didn’t care as he continued, “I was using you as a new Maria, I was living in this world with you in front of my eyes”.</p><p>“I was using the heroic, handsome smiling image of you as a drive”.</p><p>The fake me, Sonic thought while listening to Shadow’s heart, his body relaxing and his eyes looking at nowhere, “that’s my job, to make everyone do that…”, the blue hero’s voice was strange, it was painful and suffocating. Sonic knew that the him he hates was starting to appear more and more, every last bit of control over himself slipping away.</p><p>Shadow’s arm around him tightened, “your job is not about erasing yourself”, and, as if he was unsure if he should say that he continued in a lower voice, “you are just afraid of facing yourself, and are using your image as an excuse”.</p><p>Sonic’s breath hitched; his hand was clinching where Shadow’s humerus was. He didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to acknowledge that it’s true, and it is, Sonic was just that coward.</p><p>“I’m willing to face that side with you”.</p><p>Sonic wanted Shadow’s fur to cover his face more after hearing what he said, it was happening again, Sonic was open to Shadow and the black hedgehog can look at all of him.</p><p>Tears stained the white fluffy fur and Shadow didn’t know what to do. “you are a normal hedgehog Sonic”, he said desperately, wishing for the hero to listen as he crossed his legs to surround Sonic from behind, wanting to cover him from everything. “you saved a lot of lives and are going to save more, your fears are part of you, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, nothing in you is shameful or wrong or should be erased”.</p><p>“it is wrong”, Sonic’s crying voice teared his heart, dried black blood was covering his back and it was all what Shadow could see, the guilt of not understanding the hero more was flowing in every vessel within him, and Chaos how all these emotions made him want to crush Sonic between his hold. “I shouldn’t be like this”.</p><p>“you mean you can’t accept that you are like this”.</p><p>“everyone is depending on me”.</p><p>“you are making excuses again”.</p><p>“what do you want me to do then, Shadow? Crying on your chest whenever I feel weak? Using you to indulge myself?”</p><p>“exactly”</p><p>Sonic didn’t respond, and Shadow didn’t wait for him to as he lifted the hero’s head gently, brushing the sides of his eyes to remove his tears, looking at him straight in the eyes, straight to Sonic’s scared, hidden self, “this is what I’ll be here for”.</p><p>“I’ll be dependent on you”, Sonic warned him. Trying to change the hedgehog’s mind.</p><p>“I don’t care”.</p><p>“all what I will talk about is myself and my problems, and I’ll want you to focus and listen on them, I’ll be that annoying that you won’t find time to talk about yourself”</p><p>“I want to learn about you, to know everything” Shadow assured him, “I’ll be selfish Shadow” Sonic warned, and Shadow nodded, “that’s what I want you to be with me, as I was with you”.</p><p>Sonic buried his face on Shadow’s chest again, this time in surrender and resignation, “I’m going to regret this and hate myself more, do you know that?”</p><p>“we can take things slowly for you to fully accept yourself”.</p><p>“you are not giving up, are you?”</p><p>Shadow smiled at that, and brushed his muzzle over Sonic’s head fur, “did you do that to me?”</p><p>The End.</p>
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